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From the books ... Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Click the page number or the book cover icon
to view that page in the literature.1.
2.
We thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary, but if he were in jail he could provide nothing for either family.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
If he means to right his past wrongs, why all this concern for everyone in the world but his
family?
8.
He and his wife would leave elated by the thought of what
they could now do for some stricken acquaintance
and his family.
9.
10.
11.
Maybe this sounds as though the alcoholics in A.A. had suddenly gone peaceable, and become one great big happy family.
12.
13.
This will be a very different occasion, and in
sharp contrast with those hangover mornings when we alternated between reviling ourselves and blaming the family (and everyone else) for our troubles.
14.
We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them.
15.
The alcoholic's past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one!
16.
Going to the extreme, he can
become a miser, or even a recluse who denies himself both family and friends.
17.
But all alcoholics who have drunk themselves out of jobs, family, and friends will need to cross-examine themselves ruthlessly
to determine how their own
personality defects
have thus demolished their
security.
18.
When your prospect has made
such reparation as he can
to his family, and has thoroughly explained to
them the new principles by
which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home.
19.
He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees.
20.
Are we going to be so rigidly righteous about making amends that we don't care what happens to the family and home?
21.
22.
Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which
drinking always caused him.
23.
After coming from our first meeting, or perhaps after we have finished reading the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," we usually want to sit down with some member of the
family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking.
24.
And how shall he ever straighten out that awful jam that cost him the affection of his
family and separated him
from them?
25.
If he opened that old affair, he was afraid it would
destroy the reputation
of his partner, disgrace
his family and take away his means of livelihood.
26.
Be certain he will be welcomed by your family, and
that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter.
27.
But what about his responsibilities -- his
family and the men who would die because they would not know how to get well, ah -- yes, those other alcoholics?
28.
29.
Instead of treating the
family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.
30.
So we clean house with the
family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness
and love.
31.
The alcoholic, his wife,
his children, his "in-laws",
each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family's attitude towards himself or herself.
32.
33.
34.
As each member of a resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and admits
them to the others, he lays a
basis for helpful discussion.
35.
It may be one of our own family, but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our
parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy.
36.
Why, he argued, should he lose the remainder of his business, only to bring still more suffering to his family by foolishly admitting his
plight to people from whom
he made his livelihood?
37.
38.
39.
40.
41.
42.
We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become.
43.
Cleaning up old scrapes, helping to settle family differences, explaining the disinherited son to his irate parents, lending money and securing jobs for each other, when justified -- these are everyday occurrences.
44.
45.
Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let
him have his head.
46.
What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour?
47.
Business failure, insanity, fatal illness, suicide -- these calamities in his immediate family embittered and depressed
him.
48.
Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them.
49.
50.
He may demand that the family
find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to
them and say he is above worldly considerations.
51.
52.
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.
53.
When by devoted service to
family, friends, business, or community we
attract widespread affection and are sometimes singled out for posts of greater responsibility
and trust, we try to be humbly grateful and exert ourselves the more in a spirit of love and service.
54.
Change of scene, the best efforts of family, friends, doctors, and clergymen got no place
with my alcoholism.
55.
Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic
member has to if he would recover.
56.
This headquarters will
give the location of the nearest family group and will, if you wish, correspond with you
about your special problems.
57.
If there is no Al-Anon listing in your local telephone book, you may obtain further information on Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups by writing to its World Service Office, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.
58.
... Family Groups,
composed largely of the wives, ...
BB
Appendix VI, How to Get in Touch With A.A., p.573
This is a world clearing house for the Al-Anon Family Groups, composed largely of the wives, husbands and friends of A.A. members.
59.
... Family Groups,
Inc., 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, ...
BB
Appendix VI, How to Get in Touch With A.A., p.573
Should you be the relative or friend of an alcoholic who
shows no immediate interest in A.A., it is suggested that you
write the Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc., 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23456, USA.
60.
(*) In adapted form, the Steps are also used by Al-Anon Family Groups. Not a part of A.A., this worldwide fellowship consists of spouses and other relatives or friends of alcoholics (in A.A. or still drinking). Its headquarters address is 1600 Corporate Landing Pkwy, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.
61.
(*) The fellowship of Al-Anon Family Groups was formed about thirteen years after this chapter was written. Though it is entirely separate from Alcoholics Anonymous, it
uses the general principles of the A.A. program as a guide for husbands, wives, relatives, friends and others close to alcoholics. The foregoing pages (though addressed only to wives) indicate the problems such people may face. Alateen, for teen-aged children of alcoholics, is a part of Al-Anon.
62.
He paid a fine tribute to the Fellowship;
he told how his family had been
reunited; he extolled
the virtue of honesty; he
recalled the joys of Twelfth Step work; and then he lowered the boom.
63.
Though the family has no religious connections, they may wish
to make contact with or take membership in a religious body.
64.
One more suggestion: Whether the
family has spiritual convictions or not, they may do well to examine the principles by which the alcoholic member is trying to live.
65.
If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer's family how that was accomplished.
66.
Neither should the family hysterically plead with
him to do anything, nor
should they tell him much about
you.
67.
68.
They experienced a few distressing failures,
but in those cases they made an effort to bring the man's family into a spiritual way of living, thus relieving much worry and suffering.
69.
At the very beginning, the
couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in the new life.
70.
The family is mystified.
71.
After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed-of future.
72.
73.
74.
Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics.
75.
76.
77.
78.
To a surprising extent,
A.A. has offset the damage to family life brought about by years of alcoholism.
79.
80.
Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group?
81.
82.
The family may be possessed
by the idea that future happiness can be based only
upon forgetfulness of
the past.
83.
Today's life is measured against that of other years and, when it falls short, the family may be unhappy.
84.
The family may feel they hold a mortgage on dad, so big that no equity should be left for outsiders.
85.
As soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course, the family may look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then
with irritation.
86.
The family may object to this,
but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to
risk it.
87.
88.
89.
Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women.
90.
91.
92.
93.
He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not
include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all.
94.
95.
Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so.
96.
97.
98.
99.
100.
101.
102.
Our desires for emotional security and wealth, for personal prestige and power, for romance, and for family satisfactions -- all these have to be tempered and redirected.
103.
104.
105.
106.
Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has
been known to raise the very devil.
107.
108.
These family talks will be constructive if
they can be carried on without heated argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism.
109.
110.
In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.
111.
We have not once sought to be
one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.
112.
113.
114.
His family was re-assembled, and he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking.
115.
This means trouble, unless the family watches for these tendencies in each other and comes to a friendly agreement about
them.
116.
About two weeks later, Ed stole by night into an A.A. member's house and, unknown to the family, went to bed.
117.
We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, each member of it should be only
too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places.
118.
But the wise family will admire him for what he is trying to be, rather than for
what he is trying to get.
119.
If the family will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development,
all will be well.
120.
The family will be affected also, pleasantly at first, as they
feel their money troubles are about to be solved, then not so pleasantly as they find themselves neglected.
121.
Now and then the family will be plagued by spectres from the past, for the
drinking career of almost every alcoholic has been marked by
escapades, funny, humiliating, shameful or
tragic.
122.
123.
Suppose we tell you some of
the obstacles a family will meet; suppose we suggest how they
may be avoided -- even converted to good use for others.
124.
125.
Should they accept and practice spiritual principles, there is a much
better chance that the head of the family will recover.
126.
If not irritable, he may seem dull and boring, not gay and affectionate as the family
would like him to be.
127.
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