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From the books ... Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12 & 12)
Click the page number or the book cover icon
to view that page in the literature.1.
I woke up.
2.
3.
He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all
would be Utopia if the rest of
the world would only behave;
the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and
the alcoholic who has lost
all and is locked up.
4.
We were "burned up."
5.
6.
7.
8.
"Then I woke up.
9.
10.
11.
Perhaps we shall be obliged in some cases still to say, "This I cannot give up yet...," but we should not say to ourselves, "This I will never give up!"
12.
There's the spot-check inventory, taken at any time of the day, whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up.
13.
It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from
the pains of growing up.
14.
15.
16.
17.
Where would we have wound up?
18.
19.
"Then I woke up.
20.
21.
Here we cast up a balance sheet, crediting ourselves with things well done, and chalking up debits where due.
22.
When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day.
23.
He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then
pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees.
24.
25.
Compared to this prospect, the ten thousand dollars under consideration
wasn't much, but like the alcoholic's first drink it would, if taken, inevitably set up a disastrous chain reaction.
26.
Then they commence to watch
us with speculative eyes,
pick up a fragment of A.A. history, and soon have the solid facts.
27.
Suppose, for instance,
that we have drunk up a good chunk of our firm's money, whether by "borrowing" or
on a heavily padded expense account.
28.
Even the suggestion of such a thing never fails to whip up a hurricane, and we have discovered that hurricanes have a way of mauling with equal severity both the just and the unjust.
29.
To others, the word "God" brought up a particular idea of Him with which someone
had tried to impress them during childhood.
30.
Time after time, this apparent calamity has been a boon to us,
for it opened up a path which led to the discovery of God.
31.
32.
This is the exciting welter of events which has finally cast up A.A.'s Tradition of nonprofessionalism.
33.
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and
for the strength to do the right thing.
34.
35.
To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends -- this is an experience you must not miss.
36.
Of alcoholics who came to
A.A. and really tried, 50% got
sober at once and remained that way; 25% sobered up after some relapses, and among the remainder, those who stayed on with A.A. showed improvement.
37.
"The doctor told him that if
he ever drank again it would kill him, but there
he is all lit up again."
38.
He entered a political
campaign, making speeches, frequenting men's gathering places of all sorts, often staying up all night.
39.
We feel, after many years of experience, that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men than the altruistic movement now growing up among them.
40.
We commenced to make many fast friends and a fellowship
has grown up among us of which it is a wonderful thing to feel a part.
41.
42.
For example, we may set our hearts on getting a particular person sobered up, and after doing all we can for months, we see him relapse.
43.
44.
45.
Looking at this avalanche of mail one morning at the office, I paced up and down ranting how irresponsible and tightwad my fellow members were.
46.
New groups started up and it was found, to the astonishment
of everyone, that A.A.'s message could be transmitted in the mail as
well as by word of mouth.
47.
48.
But in the longer run we clearly realize that these
are only the pains of growing up, and nothing but good can come from them if we turn more and more to the entire Twelve Steps for the answers.
49.
We have been talking about problems because we are problem people who have found a way up and out, and who wish to share our knowledge of that way with all
who can use it.
50.
51.
And even while staying within conventional bounds, many people have to admit that their imaginary sex excursions are apt to be all dressed up as dreams of romance.
52.
Even when we have tried hard and failed, we may chalk that up as one of the greatest credits of all.
53.
54.
55.
Nearly anyone could submit a good list of such defects as these, and few of us
would seriously think of
giving them up, at least until they cause us excessive misery.
56.
57.
58.
Barriers which have sprung
up between you and your friends will disappear with the growth of
sympathetic understanding.
59.
Some of them may sink and perhaps never get up, but if our experience is a criterion, more than half of those approached will become fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous.
60.
When they become too dangerous, we think the kind thing is to lock them up, but of course a good doctor should always be consulted.
61.
Let us become willing to partake and be strengthened and lifted
up by the sheer spiritual power, beauty, and love of which these
magnificent words are
the carriers.
62.
Here we cast up a balance sheet, crediting ourselves with things well done, and chalking up debits where due.
63.
We'd gather up derelicts from skid rows, sort out those who could get well, and make it possible for the rest to earn their livelihood in a kind of quarantined confinement.
64.
Beginning on the ground
floor there would be a club; in
the second story they would
sober up drunks and hand them currency for their back debts; the third deck would house an educational project -- quite noncontroversial, of course.
65.
He may wish to do a lot for other alcoholics and something of the sort may come up during business hours.
66.
The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed.
67.
We do not tire so easily, for
we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did
when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
68.
69.
70.
I could almost hear the sound of the preacher's voice as I sat, on still Sundays, way over there on the hillside; there was that proffered temperance pledge I never signed; my grandfather's
good natured contempt of some church folk and their doings; his insistence that the spheres really had their music; but his denial of the preacher's right to tell him how he must listen; his fearlessness
as he spoke of these things
just before he died; these recollections
welled up from the past.
71.
The alcoholic, realizing what his wife has endured, and now fully understanding how
much he himself did to damage her and his children,
nearly always takes up his marriage responsibilities with a willingness to repair what
he can and to accept what he can't.
72.
He made up his mind that until he had been successful in business
and had retired, he would not touch another drop.
73.
74.
75.
76.
77.
78.
Her husband may become so
wrapped up in A.A. and his new friends that he is inconsiderately away
from home more than when he drank.
79.
80.
They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous may
spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.
81.
82.
Save for a few brief moments of temptation the thought of
drink has never returned; and at such times a great revulsion has risen up in him.
83.
84.
"Does this mean," some will anxiously ask, "that in A.A. the individual doesn't count for much? Is he to be dominated by his group and swallowed up in it?"
85.
Already," continues the
early text "twos and threes and fives of us have sprung up in other communities."
86.
Little clusters of twos and threes and fives of us have sprung up in other communities, through contact with our two larger centers.
87.
We followed this up in Step Nine by making direct amends to those concerned, except when it
would injure them or other people.
88.
After three years of this, I wound up in the local hospital where they attempted to help me, but I
would get my friends to smuggle me a quart, or I would
steal the alcohol about the
building, so that I got rapidly worse.
89.
Of an evening, you can go on a
mild bender, get up in the morning, shake your head and go to business.
90.
We used our education to blow ourselves up into prideful balloons, though we were careful to hide this from others.
91.
92.
93.
We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend.
94.
The Foundation was really hard up just then; the groups weren't sending in enough for the support of the office; we had
been tossing in all the book
income and even that hadn't
been enough.
95.
96.
Or we may just procrastinate, telling
ourselves the time is not
yet, when in reality we have
already passed up many a fine
chance to right a serious wrong.
97.
When this sort of thinking
is fully established in
an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he
has probably placed himself beyond human aid, and unless locked up, may die or go
permanently insane.
98.
99.
Women now make up more
than one-fourth of the membership; among newer members, the proportion is nearly one-third.
100.
I wanted to throw up my hands in discouragement, for I saw
that I had failed to help my
banker friend understand.
101.
This went from bad to worse until sophomore spring when, after a prolonged period of drinking, I made up my mind that I could not complete
my course, so I packed my grip and went South to spend a month on a large farm owned by a friend of mine.
102.
But the moment I made up my mind to go
through with the process,
I had the curious feeling
that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as
in fact it proved to be.
103.
About this time a lady called up my wife one Saturday afternoon saying she wanted me to come over that evening to meet a friend of hers who might help me.
104.
Cleaning up old scrapes, helping to settle family differences, explaining the disinherited son to his irate parents, lending money and securing jobs for each other, when justified -- these are everyday occurrences.
105.
Most of the time, therefore, I did not take the
morning drink which I craved so badly, but instead would fill up on large doses of sedatives to quiet the jitters, which distressed me terribly.
106.
107.
These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.
108.
109.
110.
Hence we are at pains to tell why we think our present faith is reasonable, why we think it more sane and logical to believe than not
to believe, why we say our former thinking was soft and mushy when we threw up our hands in doubt and said, "We don't know."
111.
Moved by the spirit of anonymity, we try to give up our natural desires for personal distinction as
A.A. members both among fellow alcoholics and before the general public.
112.
We gave up our positions and off we roared
on a motorcycle, the sidecar stuffed with tent, blankets, a change of clothes, and three huge volumes of a financial reference service.
113.
114.
115.
116.
It became clear that if we ever were to feel emotionally secure among grown-up people, we would have to put our lives on a give-and-take basis; we would have to develop
the sense of being in partnership or brotherhood with all those
around us.
117.
Because A.A.'s Twelve Traditions repeatedly ask us to give up personal desires for the common good, we realize that the sacrificial spirit -- well symbolized by anonymity -- is the foundation of them all.
118.
119.
Alcohol being no respecter of persons, we are an accurate
cross section of America, and in distant lands, the same democratic evening-up process is now going on.
120.
In imagination the gleaming center was to go up several stories more, but three would do for a start.
121.
122.
I drank with moderation
at first, but it took me only a
relatively short time to drift back into the old habits which had wound up so disastrously before.
123.
124.
Everyone became resigned to the certainty
that I would have to be shut up
somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end.
125.
To save whole areas from turmoil, small offices had to be set up, telephones installed,
and a few full-time secretaries hired.
126.
127.
Besides these, there were scattered alcoholics who
had picked up the basic ideas in Akron or New York who were trying to form groups in other cities.
128.
129.
Instead of developing
new channels of activity for themselves,
mother and children demand that he stay home and make up the deficiency.
130.
131.
Though self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness.
132.
A.A. groups had their fling at education, and when
they began to publicly whoop up the merits of this or that brand, people became confused.
133.
134.
Questions like these, more of which will come to mind easily in each individual case, will help turn up the root causes.
135.
We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with
pride, self-pity, vanity and all the things which go to make up the self-centered person; and we were not above selfishness or dishonesty.
136.
When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom
the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.
137.
My next move was to take up the study of medicine, entering one of the largest universities in
the country.
138.
139.
140.
Our loyalty and the desire
that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments.
141.
142.
Did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by
bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility?
143.
144.
145.
146.
147.
My phobia for sleeplessness demanded
that I get drunk every night, but in order to get more liquor for the next night, I had to stay sober during the day, at least up to four o'clock.
148.
Time after time, my instructors held up to me the basic principle of all scientific progress: search and research, again and again, always with the open mind.
149.
150.
It is the most natural thing
in the world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision.
151.
They should have been weaned long before, and if they have not
been, they should wake up to the
fact.
152.
153.
154.
In that time nothing could be
seen but two struggling, nameless groups of alcoholics trying to hold their faces up to the light.
155.
156.
157.
158.
Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we
could not live up to them even though we would have liked to.
159.
160.
161.
Now and then, A.A. members have bought farms or rest homes where badly beat-up topers could find needed care.
162.
Would they be able to take discipline, stand up under fire,
and endure the monotony
and misery of war?
163.
They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them.
164.
It is hoped that this volume
will afford all who read it a close-up view of the principles and forces which
have made Alcoholics Anonymous what it is.
165.
166.
Looking again at those defects we are still unwilling to give up, we ought to erase the hard-and-fast lines that we have drawn.
167.
168.
If the alcoholic tries to
shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion then ever.
169.
His only chance for sobriety would be some place
like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!
170.
171.
172.
173.
174.
Just saying it over and over will often enable us to clear a channel choked up with anger, fear, frustration, or misunderstanding, and permit us to return to the surest help of all -- our search for God's will, not our own, in the moment of stress.
175.
It then occurred to me that after one was all smelled up with beer nobody could tell what had been drunk, so I began to fortify my beer with straight alcohol.
176.
As generous as Charlie
has been to us, don't you see that we can't tie this thing up with his hospital or any other?
177.
178.
179.
More often, though, we had met up with some major calamity, and to our way of thinking lost out because God deserted us.
180.
Half the people in this country would think we'd signed up with the drys, the other half would think we'd joined the wets.
181.
182.
183.
Even then the best of us will discover to our dismay that there is always a
sticking point, a point at which we say, "No, I can't give this up yet."
184.
Perhaps we shall be obliged in some cases still to say, "This I cannot give up yet...," but we should not say to ourselves, "This I will never give up!"
185.
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